For Christmas I finally got the first 4 years of my blog printed out into a book through the booksmart blurb program. They turned out great! Better than great.
It's been so fun to watch Tyler and the kids flip through the pages and remember things we have done. It was also so nice to finally have a hard copy of this digital "journal" I've been keeping the last 5 years. For whatever reason I can remember to check my blog every few days and post, but sitting down and writing in my journal sadly never makes it to the check list. So be prepared for some "boring" posts as more 'un-newsworthy- things turn up here that I just need to get written down.
I can't believe Alex is going to be turning 4 in March. Where has the time gone?
I have been super anxious lately, my mind can't rest or stop thinking about my Mother skills. Over the Holidays the kids turned a corner and like every new "phase" it takes some time to adjust and figure out how to deal with new attitudes and such.
I came to the realization that perhaps Alex needed some time away from me. She is a super smart little girl who picks up on things fast and although she loves Joy school, I think that it's been hard on her having it here at our (grandma's) house so often, and dealing with the struggle of defending "her" territory from the other kids and her best friend/nemesis Archie. Not to mention having her Mom as the teacher.
As much as it kills me to think it, let alone say it, me might not be doing Joy School next year. I think Alex needs to interact with other kids in a different setting, and while Joy School is a fantastic program, I don't think it's challenging her, or socializing her like I hoped. We love the songs, activities and stories and so I think no matter what we decide, I might just buy next year's program and do it sporadically with the kids anyway.
I've seen from being a teacher how the bored kids act out and I'm wondering if that is half the problem with Alex these days.
So sending my kid to preschool shouldn't be such an earth quaking thing right? Just about every kid I know is currently enrolled or planning on enrolling, but for some reason I feel a GIGANTIC amount of anxiety about this.
I think part of it is that I always pictured what kind of a Mom I would be and I'm realizing that I'm not that mom. I always toyed with the idea of homeschooling and so giving up on Joy School, almost feels like failure.
I would like to blame it on circumstances, right now we are in the 'debt, school and living in the parent's basement' phase of life. I know that someday when Tyler is a successful P.A. we will have a house, 2 cars, and money for clothes that arn't hand-me-downs. We will go on vacations and be able to afford trips to the museum every week and somehow all of this will make me a better person? Sigh, my first world problems. I know that everyone goes through their own struggles and that we can't just jump from teenager right to married and living the american dream (even though it seems like everyone else got to).
Or maybe it's age, perhaps I'll be a really great Mom to my 6-10 year olds. I will admit being a Mom is a lot more work and tears than I ever thought, and more days are a fight to get through than a simple pleasure to enjoy. But I'm secretly hoping it's the weather and being stuck inside. I remember what seems like a century ago, Summer being a great time to be alive.
More realistically than anything, maybe all this anxiety and stress is about my little baby growing up and not needing me. In fact she needs to be away from me! 2 1/2 hours 4 days a week seems like high school suddenly. She will be making friends with people I don't know, learning things I can't teach her and having fun, without me. Is it that she is growing up and moving on, or that I'm being left behind?
Tyler thinks I'm crazy- in a loving, supporting spouse kind of way. I'm sure he is thinking that if I'm freaking out over preschool, he had better start preparing for my meltdown following High School Graduation.
Is this normal? After much MUCH thought and consideration I know that Pre-school would be the best for Alex, academically and more importantly at this point, socially. She will learn to behave in a way that I can't teach her, and I think that if she were to wait until Kindergarten, she might be forever crippled as the shy child. I've thought about it, talked about it and prayed about it and I know what I need to do. So why is it still so hard?
Did you guys go through this with your oldest?!
2 comments:
I understand every aspect of this post 100%. I had a really hard time sending Toby to pre-school. I kept telling TJ it's different having her leave me. I have left her for various things, but never her leaving me. I had a really hard time with it but, she needed it. She looks forward to having something that is hers to do. Something away from mom and Scout.
Honestly now that she has been in school for almost 5 months, I secretly look forward to it too. I get one on one time with Scout that I normally don't get which I love. Also when Scout is napping I get quiet mommy time which I never get, and I love! :)
I do not think you need to feel that by sending Alex "away" makes you a bad mom at all! Every child and every mother needs different things. I never imagined being a mom would be so challenging. I find most days I feel I am failing horribly. I know I am not at all the mom I envisioned myself to be when I was younger, I'm still trying. I'm still trying to find a balance for us. What makes us all happy and what works for us.
I know that one day you will look back on this time of your life and it will seem much simpler than where you are at, I know my girls are only going to get bigger and stresses of life will be much different than they are now. I understand completely the school life, debt, bills, jobs struggles.... But I can honestly say that I look back at that even just a few years ago when TJ was in nursing school and say I never want to do that again, but we survived, we made it and now it is just a page in our past. I know you will look back and think the same thing!
good luck, I hope this longest comment of all time helps.
Pre-school isn't quite on our radar yet, but I can relate to your anxiety, not that we should believe our anxieties, but knowing that they exist is half the battle. Our babies are growing up and it is shocking. They used to need us every moment of they day, they used to want us, and of course they still do, but it is different. I expect us to be having these same conversations as Archie and Alex move to every new step in their lives. High School is going to be hard for us:) We'll commiserate together as our husbands gently roll their eyes. If you've prayed about it and feel good about your decisions then that is the best thing you can do. You are a great mom, you don't have to be who you thought you were going to be when you were young, just be who Heavenly Father knows you to be now, and who your kids need.
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