And when there weren't friends, there was family! My family, his family, our family, Grandparent's, Great grandparents, second cousins, brothers, sisters. Plenty of people to talk to, play with, serve or have serve. Looking back I realize that it did take time to develop these friendships. Even as I left, there were friendships that were just beginning to blossom alongside the tried and true blue ones. There was always someone to talk to. And now, I sort of feel alone.
When I go to church or institute I try to plant seeds. I go out of my way to talk to people, ask questions and be friendly when I really just want to roll up in my ball of insecurity and hide, waiting for someone to seek me out. I've people watched enough to know that the painfully shy ones usually come off as stuck up, and I find myself walking an uncomfortable line between appearing stuck up, and over eager. It's emotionally taxing, especially when I don't get any bites on my friendship fishing line.
I suppose it's good that I experience the high's and lows, the stomach aches and social nervousness again. If Alex is anything like me,
this is how she will spend plenty of her time growing up and I need to remember so I can be understanding. It's hard to watch her face rejection at the hands of little kids and know it will likely get worse. Watching her suffer makes me want to cry, and I need to get it together for all our sakes.
I was blessed with such great friends in Utah, our play group was golden and I want each of those ladies here now! It's hard to start over. I know I will be better for it, and working through the challenges will make the victory that much sweeter.
But right now, I just want to find a friend who wants me, as bad as I want her.
2 comments:
I want you!! Kristen, my favorite time in my married/having kids life was when we lived next door to each other! I would give A LOT to have that again-- I wish I could make everything better for you (for us both), by living next door again, but until then keep being yourself, be kind, be friendly, everyone needs a friendly face even if it takes them a year to realize they should be great friends. Miss you
Kristen, this really hit home for me. I, honestly, have had a terrible time making friends here at the house we are at. I have never had a hard time making friends and I have been very outgoing, at least I thought. I think every day that same thought as you, "I want to find a friend that wants me as bad as I want her." I miss you terribly and know that you will find some awesome friends because you are such an incredible friend and person. I love you lots and keep your chin up, in no time you will look back and this will only be a glimpse. Someone that I really look up to would always say, "To have good friends, you need to be a good friend." I think that that is completely true and I don't think that you have any problem with that.
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