It's a BOY!!!

So it's a boy!

It's been 2 days since we found out, we cut open a cake because the girls insisted that this is how we find out.  It wasn't until later that I realized that they thought this is how everyone finds out the gender of a baby, the Dr. gives them a cake and then they get to cut it open to find out.  It was fun decorating and making cupcakes and having friends over for the big reveal!  I think everyone was sort of voting for a boy except at the last minute Heidi decided she wanted another sister, so she could see Daddy cry.
   People keep commenting on how relieved I must be, how excited, how happy I must be that I FINALLY get my boy.  It's easy to agree and go on with these conversations, and I am happy we are having a boy, but I would have been happy with a girl as well.  With Alex I was so sure the baby would be a boy that we were shocked at the ultrasound.  With Heidi I think I knew all along somehow and with Quinn I was so terrified at the thought of having a boy that I was so relieved when we cut that cake and saw pink!  This pregnancy I've been wavering.....

     I know girls by now.  What they wear, how they think, the hair, the drama, the cuteness.  I can picture myself holding a baby girl in the hospital because I've done it 3 times!  Girls are familiar, girls are comfortable.  If we had another girl then they could all share rooms the rest of their lives.  All the clothes would remain the familiar shades of pink and purple, and I could keep oohing and awing at the adorable little dresses at the stores.  I almost feel cheated- or feel that maybe Alex will eventually feel cheated, because when I had my first little girl, I had no clue what I was doing.  We got hand me downs and so I used hand me downs.  Clothes were to cover the child up- not provide a fashion statement to the world about our entire family.  Baby hair was a mystery and things like tiny little hair rubber bands were not in my sphere of awareness until Heidi was born.  I feel like either the world has changed in the last 6 years or maybe I've just changed, but I think that if I started having kids now, they would be a lot "prettier" as babies.

I came across this conclusion while thinking about the timeline of my life.  Highschool was an odd time for me.  I wore my older brother's polo shirts and random ties with converse shoes (before it was cool for girls to wear ties and converse).   I was in art club and went to concerts on the weekend.  My hair was long and straight and either in a ponytail or worn down.  I was trying to figure out who I was. I entered college I still barely wore makeup, I had a roommate who introduced me to the benefits of doing hair and wearing pretty clothes, and after I married Tyler I was still trying to figure out my hair (let's be honest, I still am) pregnancy and baby threw me into a whole new world that did not include things like makeup or dressing for success- that I feel that I'm still trying to figure out.  I sometimes I feel like I'm going to be 50 before I learn how to do makeup or match clothing.             Anyway, back to girls.  Having girls has taught me about girls and what things I need to learn so I can teach them.  I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job of raising spunky little girls that can look nice, but understand it's more important to be kind than pretty.  We have our share of 'clothes drama' especially on Sunday morning, but these gals aren't obsessed with clothing and styles and jewelry like it seems so many other kids their age are.

    But a boy.  Boys are different, they don't stop moving and they hit.  I thank Quinn for blazing the trail for our son because all my fears of having a little boy 2 years ago come to pass through her.  She has shown me that anger, violence and nonstop movement are not necessarily "boy" traits, I just had 2 really calm first children.  Boys aren't accessorized so easily to be made cute, and I feel like I'm finally getting a hang of ponytails and hair clips.  Any boy clothes these days, sheesh! It's all skulls or dinosaurs if you are going generic boy, or you can start early and brand your boy as a punk with all the right t-shirts, beanies and shoes, or a little gentleman with tiny suits, ties and sweater vests.  Every outfit I see these days seems to shout something!   We've been so immune with the girls because of hand me downs- we've had to purchase almost nothing, and the hand me downs I haven't approved of have just gone the way of DI without a second glance.  With 3 older sisters stacked against him, I already feel this pressure to put my fetus in sports,  find playgroups with lots of boys so he can get his man time in, and try an understand the scouting program.  So when people ask if I'm so excited to have a boy......... I don't know!

      I don't want him to read this someday and think he was unwanted, on the contrary we've been waiting for him for 6 years!  We are happy to complete our family and finally get Tyler his little sidekick he's been wanting for so long.  Alex especially is over the moon about a brother, and Heidi is as well.  We are excited at all the new adventures a boy will bring, and all the changes.  I feel as though now that he is finally on his way that this phase of our life might finally be over- the pregnant phase- and that is both exciting and a little sad.  I hate being pregnant, and it gets worse every time, but I love those little babies and how slow life gets when you are just trying to survive those first few months.  Watching the little ones grow and learn is so fun- and thinking that this is my last time is a little sad.  But on the other hand the freedom that will come once my body is my own again!  In the past 7 years I've only had a few months where I was not either pregnant or nursing, I'm excited to be able to maintain myself and not constantly struggle with the gaining and losing of weight and all the body changes at the same time.  And yet that's been the norm since my early 20's.  I'm a bit afraid of what life might be like next, a step into the unknown.
     This year I will turn 30, have my 4th child and first boy, Tyler will graduate from school and hopefully we will settle into longterm employment for the first time in our marriage. We will move somewhere potentially of our choosing, and maybe even set down roots.  In a way we will be starting the life that I imagined came once you got married, a house, neighborhood, job, long term friends, kids, the whole bit- it's just taken us 8 years to get there (minus the kids).  I wouldn't trade our experiences for anything and I've learned so much in my 20's, but I am excited to finally be there, to be nearing the finish line I've been gazing at for so long.
       So a boy.  If I'm being honest with myself, I've never bonded with any of my children until they were outside my body.  The first 20 weeks I've always struggled with remembering the sickness is because of a baby and not being bitter.  Once we find out the gender and can start imagining our lives and choosing names, things get a little easier.  And not even those first moments in the hospital can i say I have an instant connection.  So little boy it's not you, it's me.  I have no doubt that 5 minutes into holding you I will be madly in love and share you with no one.  Until that point I'm just going to focus on getting to that point, and start getting excited for all our rowdy adventures.